The Wheel of Fortune

Chapter XI

The Wheel Of Fortune

The Wheel was turning. I had set it in motion. For good or bad, I could not know.

“Miss Veil?!” He exclaimed quietly. “How surprising…” I muttered something inarticulate as had just realized he was looking inappropriately hot in a white unbuttoned shirt and linen pants, his hair showing a bit of grey that suited him, and this fragrance complementing the scent of his skin in such a sensual way… I felt suddenly hot.

“What brought you so far from your home?” He asked casually as if we met every other week at social gatherings. I was a bit drawn back by his indifferent tone. Not the happily surprised man I had imagined, for sure.

“I am volunteering for the charity festivals.” I mumbled as if guilty of doing so.

“Oh, right. It’s the company you are working for… I did some work for them too. A play adaptation.”

“I saw it. Yesterday.”

“Did you like it?”

“Very much so.” Hoped he wouldn’t get into details and I wouldn’t have to explain why I missed half of the second act and all the rest.

“I’m glad to hear it. I’m sure you would prefer “Cinderella” but it was not on the list.” He said dryly.

“Pardon me?”

“ Doesn’t matter. Do you go to the theatre often?”

“Nnot really,” I went on rambling. “I am too busy usually.” And there was no one to take me to the theatre which I wouldn’t share at this particular moment.

“Yes. I can see how your job could interfere. All these events…”

“Yes. My job is very demanding.”

We stood for a few seconds in silence. The candle was burning between us. Noticed his gaze at the flame. Wondered if he had received all my mental messages. Focused on the flame myself. “Touch me, touch me, touch me…” It was just a glimpse, I could not even be sure if his hand trembled…

“So, are you having a good time?” He started again but the effort was apparent. I felt the stiff conversation was my fault.

“We don’t know anyone here.”

“You know me.” His eyes suddenly shot me. Caught something strange there… A flash that looked almost warm… But his face was so far from emotional. My imagination wasn’t the best advisor.

“You weren’t present.”

“Yes, a small incident with one of the cars. Rowan was concerned for not being a good host but couldn’t do anything better than driving a tractor at the time.”

“Yes, I heard part of the story outside.”

“Do you know Rowan?” He looked at me intently.

“No. My friend does. I met him only tonight.” I gabbled.

“You may find him charming.” He said still studying my face. I didn’t know how to respond. It looked like he was recommending his cousin… To me!

The silence became uncomfortable and the conversation was pretty much dead. I felt like biting my nails for being so boring and confused.

“Shall we leave or would you prefer to remain here?” He asked at last.

I wondered if he meant “we remaining here” or just me remaining there. If the former, then I was all for the “remaining here” even in total silence. I was mad at myself. I had rehearsed these conversations for months, had pictured every possible expression on his face, had asked the cards about everything he likes or dislikes, knew perfectly well he fancied an intelligent conversation most of all, and when finally got lucky to meet him again, I behaved like raised in the desert by wild animals. He was polite and did his best to converse although there was nothing like the courting and passionate attitude I had felt before, but it was me who could not convey any emotion! I guess I had expected him to grab me in his arms and kiss me until I was breathless. And he probably had expected a more civilized behavior, rightly.

“No, thank you. I am going outside. My friend is waiting for me.” I muttered realizing I was leaving again and willing to eat my head right there.

“After you.” He said rather dryly.

I walked ahead slowly. Could feel his eyes on my back. Tried to walk in a most tempting way like models do, but it turned out to be more difficult than it looked and I soon abandoned it. Left the candle on a table close to the terrace door but it slipped from my trembling hands and the wax spilled on the carpet. Didn’t want to show off the trembling, so waited for him to open the terrace door. He passed by me and I felt his cologne again. It smelt of summer forest and darkness, just as I remembered it. He glanced at me thoughtfully for a moment. Then smiled a bit. Just a tiny bit and his face was suddenly lightened and boyish. There was this thing in his eyes… It was so annoying I couldn’t catch it! If it wasn’t him, I’d say it looked like a request… But he wouldn’t ask me for anything. I walked out.

Joined Jemma. She questioned me silently. She had, of course, seen us both coming out of the house. Wanted to tell her all but she was surrounded by people. Rowan had introduced her to everyone and she was glowing. His friends seemed nice and, judging by their clothes, they were all in her league. And only males. The few girls present were local and none could compete with Jemma’s top model appearance. The party was heating up. Some were dancing on the patio. Neil had disappeared again. I stood close to Jemma wondering where he was. Finally, when everyone was babbling about some spring gatherings they had had, she pulled me aside.

“What happened?” She whispered. I told her all trying to make myself looking more communicative than I had been, fearing her reaction if I told her the truth. However, Jemma had known me for too long and was dangerously intuitive by nature. She stared at me in dismay.

“Is that all?” I nodded shamefully. “Are you insane? Have you lost your mind?” She raised her voice and I hushed at her. It irritated her even more. “Don’t shush at me! You are ruining your chances, don’t you get it? How many times do you think you will see him over these three weeks, even if you are lucky enough and he spends all that time here?”

I got terrified the others would hear everything and dragged her against her will a bit further.

“Jemma, I can not control myself in his presence. I’ve never felt so helpless before!” I exclaimed sincerely. Felt my eyes blurry. She studied me for a few seconds.

“I can not believe my ears.” She murmured. “You were better in this when you were fifteen!”

“When I was fifteen I knew nothing! I was strolling naked in front of a man whom I thought I was tormenting.”

“But he wanted you thanks to your behavior! You have changed a great deal, haven’t you? I failed to see that on the messenger and your e-mails never betrayed it…” She murmured.

“It’s only with him. I didn’t even want a new man until he showed up... I don’t know what’s going on.”

“You burned out too early, that’s what is going on.”

“What is this supposed to mean?”

“That you resembled a shooting star – bright, fast, and short lived. I have no doubt your ex flames wake up from time to time with erection thinking of you but it won’t warm up your bed now.”

I stared at her shocked.

“I’ve never heard anything so harsh from you, Jemma!”

“Why would you be hurt? You know it too, regardless if you’re willing to admit it or not! You were done more than ten years ago and you accepted it without any fight.”

“You astonish me… It’s like I’ve never known you… I had no idea you thought of me like that. So, my best friend thinks I’m done…”

“Let’s not be dramatic, shall we? We both know very well there was no passion in your marriage at all. You tried to do the “right thing” and I admire you for the effort but the truth is you had nothing on the inside to give.”

“It would mean I have nothing now either.”

“He may be able to start the fire… I don’t know. I’m not saying you’re a dead man but you definitely must protect yourself better and don’t invest such energy in every man you meet! Even your strength and passion have limits.”

“I see…”  

“Listen, if you really feel like he may be a different story, you have only one choice.” She said firmly.

“Which is?”

“To confess. As I said yesterday, you may need to be completely honest. Apparently, you can not play a game with this man. And it would be so much your style to make a final performance and then ruin yourself for months if he rejects you.”

“I will pretend I didn’t hear the last one, Jemma. I think you said quite enough already. And what exactly do you think I should confess?” I looked at her suspiciously. Confession has never been among my chosen actions, even in the church.

“Everything. Choose the right moment and tell him you feel lost when he is around, you are not like that usually, but his influence is so powerful that you wish he would hug you and your entire world would fit into place magically.” She grinned.

“You’re kidding me!”

“Sadly, I am not. This, or watch him disappear in thin air in the third week of August at best.” She said and left me there to join the others. I wondered about her words. They were harsh but may prove to be true. I had to do something!